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Typhoon survival tips

Jul 04, 2013

It’s typhoon season again, which means rain, wind, and a tab that’s always open at the Hong Kong Observatory home page. But how can you get through the weather with a minimum of fuss? Here are some tips.

  • Fixing duct tape to your windows will help protect you if they shatter in the storm. Similarly, affixing duct tape to your relatives will prevent them from harming you when you lock them out of the house.
  • Can you imagine if a massive typhoon reduced Hong Kong society to “Walking Dead” levels? Think about this for the next three hours, instead of working.
  • Restaurants may not be open. Remember to stockpile staples such as foie gras, gold statuettes of pigs and buddhas, and Sugus candy.
  • People can be scared of typhoons. To alleviate the fear factor, convince the Hong Kong Observatory to only give typhoons unbearably adorable names. “Typhoon Kitten has lashed Taiwan this week, killing twenty.” “The death toll rises as Typhoon Snuggles ravages the South China coast.”
  • The typhoon warning scale goes all the way up to signal 10. But even if gets that high, it doesn't mean she's ever coming back.
  • Alarmists claim that typhoons are getting worse every year. But instead of listening to them, let’s just just hold out until 2024, when the rising tides submerge Hong Kong under 20 feet of seawater. On the bright side: gondolas.
  • If you want to find out what it’s like at the center of the storm, lash yourself to a large fern and instruct your acquaintances to block up their ears with Cantopop tunes so they do not release you.
  • As the typhoon approaches, disregard all advice from the HK Observatory and only pay heed to that one guy in the office with the typhoon track open on his browser at all times. This is his big day. You wouldn’t want to ruin it.
  • When it comes to typhoon signals, always bet on black.

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