Michael Bay’s insatiable quest to “fuck the frame,” as he so eloquently said himself, has resulted in the sequel to 2007’s “Transformers“ being a mess of tinnitis-inducing explosions, corny dialogue and lots of Megan Fox running about in slow motion.

Here we see Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) go off to college, where he lasts all of one class before experiencing an episode of madness, leaving him obsessed with alien hieroglyphs he can see in his head. It turns out that Sam holds the key to finding the legendary Tomb of the Primes, which in turn can grant the finder the means to end the Transformer feud that has been ongoing for millennia.

From there the story meanders between explosions and fight scenes for what feels like an age, before finally finding its momentum with a massive forest fight scene that actually provides a decent IMAX experience. But this rare glimpse of cinematic magic is quickly abandoned in favor of more frenzied action sequences, cheap dialogue and embarrassing gags. By film’s end they’re in Egypt and it’s all getting just a bit ridiculous.

Alongside the old faces from the first film, a multitude of cool, new transformers are thrust in our faces for a few frantic minutes, only to be tossed away like used condoms afterwards. Meanwhile, the original characters get less screen time and their characters seem somehow even flimsier. Even Megatron turns out to be little more than some bigger-badder robot’s bitch servant.

The bottom line is that this film is far less fun than the first. I left the cinema feeling like a grenade-stunned-soldier in a war zone, stupefied and deaf. And for the first time in my life, I had no love for the transforming robots of my childhood.

1/5 Stars by Tim Pritchard.

Directed by Michael Bay. Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox,
Hugo Weaving, John Turturro. Category IIB, 150 mins. Opened Jun 23.