This is not the first time the story of Mulan has been made into a film. Disney made a feature-length cartoon which is far more believable despite it having a talking dragon. This version is preposterous and dull.

“Mulan” re-tells the excellent folk legend of a Chinese heroine who disguises herself as a man so she can protect her father and battle the invading Mongol army. The film is set over 12 years and follows her as she rises up the ranks of the army to become an all-conquering general.

Despite the opportunity for high-octane action, the directors have decided to focus on the main character and her would-be suitor. Wei Zhou, who plays the role of Mulan, is an unlikely woman-as-an-undercover-man, being far too beautiful—the real Mulan must have looked like a female shot-putter to be able to fool so many soldiers for so long.  And why the make-up artist decided to have her wear eyeliner instead of a fake moustache is a mystery.  Kun Chen plays Wentai, a general and prince, but even when dressed in full battle armor or sporting a massive scar across his face, he is never quite onvincing as a warrior, instead coming off like a frightened bunny rabbit.

The landscapes where the battles take place are rugged and vast yet the camera devotes little time to them. The costumes and limited battle scenes are mediocre. But what truly ruins the film is the amount of crying. The directors are obsessed with the “single tear rolling down the cheek” shot. The two brave, fearless generals (Mulan and Wentai), who are tough enough to overcome the barbaric and savage Mongol hordes, never stop crying! If they are happy, they cry; sad, they cry; scared, they cry; lonely, they cry. It gets ridiculous towards the end of the film and you find yourself wanting the evil dry-eyed Mongol ruler to slaughter them and end the whining.

It is always unusual when a film has two directors but for this one it is self-explanatory: one was needed to direct the actors and cameramen, the other was needed to chop the onions.

1/5 Stars by Mikel Echevarria.

(China) Directed by Jingle Ma and Wei Dong. Starring Wei Zhao, Jaycee Chan, Jun Hu, Kun Chen. Category IIB, 114 minutes