Hong Kong has a privacy problem. A recent rash of high-profile data leaks from the Hospital Authority, the Immigration Department and the police has made information such as patient details and undercover police tactics available to any stooge with a broadband connection.

We at HK Magazine are also privy to sensitive information from time-to-time, and sadly, we too are guilty of the occasional leak, and for this we must apologize.

For example, over the years we’ve leaked the medical history of many Hong Kong notables. Who knew, before it was revealed by HK Magazine, that Sir Run Run Shaw had his heart replaced with an Ark Reactor in 1978? It’s completely irresponsible of us to print such personal and sensitive material.

But while we’re confessing, here are some other nuggets of classified information that we have inadvertently revealed over recent months:

•    Oasis Airlines wasn’t really liquidated. It just found it could do better business lending its planes out for rendition flights.
•    “Longhair” Leung Kwok-hung’s Che T-shirt was custom-designed for him by Versace.
•    The supposed equestrian portion of the Beijing Olympics in Hong Kong is really a cover for establishing a PLA cavalry base.
•    Chen Shui-bian was not shot four years ago—he was merely tagged with a small brain-control device by Beijing in hopes of turning him into the next Manchurian Candidate. Needless to say, the device failed.
•    Donald Tsang is the current Manchurian Candidate.
•    The West Kowloon Cultural District isn’t ever coming. It’s the ultimate art hoax.
•    The government’s secret belief that pollution is actually caused by the Gods farting was never intended for publication.
•    And from the HK Magazine office itself: Mr. Know-It-All is actually an assemblage of 1,000 monkeys tied to 1,000 typewriters.

In order to ensure that no further leaked data falls into the public’s hands, we do not recommend the government fix our antiquated data security laws. Instead, they should stick to a more tried and tested approach: classifying everything they don’t want us to see as obscene.