I understand that it is a daunting task to make archaic mores resonate with a modern Chinese audience, but director Hu Mei, who’s been responsible for most of CCTV’s historical epics over the last decade, utterly confuses us with “Confucius” (sorry, couldn’t resist the pun). The film opens with a meditative visual that is a shining example of the East Asian aesthetic: the ceremonial pouring of tea. Then, as with most Chinese films, the editing pulls a big fat FAIL. There’s some gripping political intrigue, but soon the exoticness of the costumes and interiors of the late Spring and Autumn period starts to wear off, and the schmaltz begins to slowly seep in, together with overly dramatic western orchestral music. If only the soundtrack was kept to a guqin (zither) minimum. We’re then dragged through the film for years by Chow Yun-fat’s Confucius traveling from state to state, braving the elements, wars and starvation, and we really feel the philosopher’s world-weary ennui. Like, really, we do.

I really can’t find fault in Chow’s solid acting. I’m sure it was an emotionally demanding role, and we know it’s a bitch to have to act as a historical personage with an -ism attached to his name. But after the lame frozen river-crossing scene, I decided that the movie did not deserve my undivided attention. There’s this scene where Confucius crosses a frozen body of water with 20 or so disciples on horse-drawn carriages crammed with scrolls. The ice starts to crack, of course, and the sage asks: “What sound is that?...” WTF?!? Is Confucius drunk?!? Is he stupid? To further wrench our heartstrings, director Hu then adds a Sinitic scholar’s Titanic scene: a disciple dives into the icy depths to save as many sinking scrolls of ancient Chinese wisdom as he could. Naturally, he then dies from hypothermia, so please be grateful for his sacrifice, as that’s how you got your copy of “The Analects.”

At that point, I refused to treat the film seriously and wished Confucius’ descendants would STFU about the supposedly “scandalous” scene with Zhou Xun as the refined lady Nanzi (it was a brief, beautiful, classy breath of fresh air), and instead file a request to remove that bit of idiocy about their esteemed ancestor not knowing what sound cracking ice makes when there’s 20 people with horse carts on it.

2/5 Stars by Johannes Pong.

Directed by Hu Mei. Starring Chow Yun-fat, Zhou Xun and Jiao Huan.
Category IIB, 126 minutes.