Jun 07, 2012|
Most Hongkongers can barely wait out the few weeks left of Donald Tsang’s term, calling for him to step down immediately for living large (and tackily) at the taxpayers' expense. So while some are practically revving up impeachment proceedings, we here at the HK ranch take a different view. After all, Sir Bow Tie has been such a rich source of comedy over the years, and it just won’t be the same without him. So let us celebrate his final weeks with a timely Jubilee—it's only fitting for a man of such exquisite taste!
• Dress your family up in the finest bow ties you have. Aw, even Baby has a little bow tie. We must look our best for the…
• Carriage procession of Alphards and Vellfire luxury vans carrying bosses and tycoons down Queen’s Road Central, choking traffic to a standstill, on their way to…
• The new Central Government Offices at Tamar. Come, young spectator Billy Chan, to salute the politician who built these towering waterfront edifices as a monument to civil service—instead of a park!
• Then help junior eat his bow tie-shaped egg tart, in honor of the man who had the old Star Ferry pier in Central quietly dismantled one night with practically no warning.
• Wave, kids! Though the blinds of the luxury vans are shut tight so that the bosses won’t see you or the other street rabble.
• Gather as the idling luxury vehicles park in through-traffic so the VIPs can be spirited into that same onanistic monument to civil service. No, sorry—the viewing area is over there. That’s it, just there. Inside of that small cordoned-off area there. Yeah, about a kilometer in the distance. You can see it if you squint. Waaay back there. That’s right.
• From afar, witnesss Sir Bow Tie receive congratulations from the only constituency that matters to him—grubby tycoons and nouveau-riche mainlanders. Though we may be out here, trapped in the police cordon, our spirits are with the man who watched as our city climbed to the top of the Economist’s coveted “Most Overpriced Homes in the World” list. Another number-one showing.
• Say, isn’t that Bow Tie’s first Chief Secretary, Rafael Hui? Watch his jowls jiggle as he walks, fresh from posting bail at the ICAC, in an effort to kiss Bow Tie's... tie. That’s the jiggle of a successful man, someone who really thrived under Tsang’s policies.
• We too can give thanks to Tsang and all he represents through the treats tycoons have showered upon him: in each free private jet flight to Phuket; in every gifted OSIM massage chair; in each complimentary bowl of congee in a presidential suite in Macau. For there is a little bit of all of us in those expressions of gratitude—mainly because we have no choice but to funnel our money into the monopolies that make these tycoons effortlessly rich.
• Finally, we send Sir Bow Tie off in a procession of tycoons' luxury yachts into the bright yellow polluted sunset of the harbor—the beginning of his journey all the way to a luxury retirement flat in lovely Shenzhen.
• And then, with the Jubilee over, make your way back to the 400-square-foot hovel you share with and your family of four.